loving you is the hardest part
by silverxsnowflake
Summary: she knows that she'll be hurt again, but it's okay. she's used to the heartbreak by now. R x N


loving you is the hardest thing (sometimes i wish we could start over)

summary: sometimes two people miss their chance to be together by a slip of fate. it's okay, because by now she's used to the heartbreak.

 **A/N: Shorter than usual. Don't own Shugo Chara! This one was rushed because I have way too much homework. Will follow up when given the chance.**

"Did you know?"

Her voice is barely a whisper, and as it fills the room with its melody, he can't help but shiver a little, despite the scarf and coat he's wrapped in.

They're sitting together in his living room, her next to him on the couch.

But it isn't like before. He sees her, he feels her presence, but somehow she's different. Even though they're so close, it's as if they're far apart at the same time.

He can no longer solve the enigma in her eyes. She's too far gone (because of you, his mind croons gently, it's all your fault) and he's too jaded and they're just both too tired to tell each other no, to leave this house that they've existed in for what seems like an eternity.

"On that night, when I came across you dancing. I...wanted to tell you that I loved you, that I cared."

It's true, he reflects. She's never told him that she loves him, now that he thinks about it. It's a bit disconcerting, really, realizing that your girlfriend has never expressed affection for you.

Reading into her actions, and being able to tell what's between the lines has been a crucial part in their relationship.

When she's hurt, she closes off so she can't be hurt anymore.

He was never the one who could open her up.

The snow is falling down behind them, and he's drowsy.

As the room fades out of view, he thinks back to when they first met, and wonders if it was all worth it in the end.

Without any talking, Rima has drifted to sleep.

She looks ethereal there, the milky moonlight washing her pale face in brightness he's unaccustomed to. The moon is truly brighter than the sun, he realizes.

Her golden locks are shimmering, and her slender hand is gently clutching at his, trying desperately to find comfort.

Touched, he slowly, gently wraps his fingers around hers. Her face relaxes, and for a second it takes him back to the beginning.

Before any of this had happened, before all the fights and cheating and yelling. Back when they were still innocent.

"I was tainted, wasn't I?" he murmurs, gliding his fingers carefully over his face, and finally resting his hand on her cheek. "But you stayed innocent, Rima-chan. It was my fault. I just couldn't handle the pureness of your heart."

No matter which way he thinks about it, he can't remember her face from childhood.

Surely, he thinks, there must be something he remembers, something about her that he loved.

But in the end, all he comes up with is regret and guilt, and there is nothing to do but drop the subject from his mind.

Shifting the sleeping girl so that she's in a more comfortable position, he cradles her.

The embrace that they share is so different than any other, because it's warm and comforting and it washes over him, this feeling of happiness.

Being with her makes him happy.

But he's poisoning her too, slowly asphyxiating her with his presence.

Forlornly, he twirls a silky lock of her golden fair around his finger, and watches the stars outside.

Why hadn't he noticed the beauty of the night sky before?

Was it because he was blinded, all this time, by the day?

And he ends up holding his head in his hands like a burden, wishing he had noticed sooner.

That he had been strong enough to tell her that he didn't feel things were working out instead of running to Amu and letting her use him like a tool.

Coming back was the hardest part, because he knew he had to do it.

Sometimes, he doesn't believe his own lies. Sometimes, he knows that Rima isn't alone like he tells himself, that the reason he stays is because he's the selfish one.

He's only taking, just taking, from this relationship. He steals her energy, her hope, her happiness, and leaves her withered.

Until one day, when she can no longer offer anything else, and he will leave.

But he will come back, because no matter where he goes, fate always leads him back to her.

Maybe it's his curse, and maybe it's hers as well, because neither of them want it to happen.

For now, he'll just continue loving her until the inevitable downfall.

"I'm sorry," he tells her peacefully slumbering body in advance, "for everything that I will do to you."

But somehow, it doesn't seem like enough.

So he spends the rest of the night hoping for a miracle.


End file.
